Different side of love
What is love?
The dictionary describes it as an emotion. Others describe it as a verb or an action word. That feeling you get deep down inside urging you to want to want to express it to others, more specifically to the ones you love.
Have I been in love? Yes. And yes it was the best feeling that I have ever encounted, in what my mother calls a short life. But I still find myself wondering why I’m single. If the love I felt was so great the why did it end, why did I break up, why did I not fight for something so incredible?
Then it dawned on me sitting on the steps in my backyard…. “I don’t know how to receive love”.
But wait I know what love feels like and I know what love means, I even know the type of person I wanna marry….someday….but how can I get married if I don’t know how to stay…..stay in a relationship, for I am never able to believe an I love you, to accept gifts voluntarily, to want to use my precious time with that person that my brain tells me not to trust. For when we lock fingers on that amazing walk down the beach all I can think about is the germs between us. Or when I am cradled in an embrace, just comparing it to all other embraces I’ve ever felt, asking myself what’s the difference, frankly, wondering if there’s actually even a difference, but the answer is almost, always, usually, no.
For when my ear listens to the rhythmic sounds of their heart beat, whether their chest is firm or soft, all can think is that heart beats for me, but if it beats for me then I don’t wanna hurt it, and the longer I stay the deeper the cut gets. I can’t let that happen, so I run almost, usually, always.
Then I end up all alone all over again in my lonely room, wondering what’s wrong with me. Scribbling yet another love poem. But this time really asking myself “Do I honestly know what love is?”
Written by a contributor Kerbri Charlery